a few thoughts

A few interesting things have happened in the last week, but I'm not ready to talk about them...like Mary, I'll ponder them in my heart and wait to see what unfolds. I love life and how it often surprises us...that is if the surprise is a good one.

Last night I read this passage out of the blue that hasn't left my heart yet...something I'm still pondering. "Do not be afraid. Even though you have committed all this evil, don't turn away from following the Lord. Instead, worship the LORD with all you heart. Don't turn away to follow worthless things that can't profit or deliever you; they are worthless. The Lord will not abandon His people, because of His great name and because He has determined to make you His own people." 1 Samuel 12:20-22

Ever remember as a child how it was terrifying to do something wrong? There was always an ominous fear that your parents would abandon you if they discovered that you did something they wouldn't approve. Sometimes, actually all the time, I find that I have this kind of relationship with God. Sometimes I feel like I just keep coming up with these sins that it gets to a point where I'm like, you know, what I'm better off just forgetting about God because it just seems so hopeless...that I keep sinning and don't know how to stop.

May be that's why this passage struck me. Because contrary to my fear, God was telling the Israelites...look I know what you've done, but don't turn away from me because of that. I can almost see the compassion scripted on His face...He understood what they were ...stubborn, weak and rebellious...same here.

If I'm honest with myself, I rebel against God not becuase I don't believe He loves me, but because I get tired of myself. I get tired of making the same mistakes over and over and over and over again...and I never seem to learn my lesson. In my warped thinking it's like I'm telling God, I'll make this easy for you...I'll just walk away so you don't have to keep forgiving me or pouring all this unconditional love that doesn't seem to be accomplishing much.

The last part of this passage is surprising...to me at least. "He has determined to make you His people". I guess based on the fact that the way we as human beings relate to each other, there's always the element of giving up when you try to love someone who's uninterested, doesn't get it or could care less, but here God is saying, I'm determined to make you mine, I won't give up and I'll work at it until you are mine...when I first read that, it's like my heart skipped a beat. I was suprised, humbled and comforted all at the same time.

But in my true nature, I don't remember this often, I doubt it, I'm stubborn and will even refuse to embrace this because it seems too good to be true...that someone could love me like that...inspite of my rebellious, often 2yr old like tantrums, unbelievable dysfunction and neuroses... that He is DETERMINED to love Me, it's something I can't even grasp in my finite mind.

I guess that's why God gave us intimate relationships...because we get to live this out...the determination to love someone even when they get crazy as hell or are stubborn or just outright weird. That's why I'm fascinated by the idea of relationships...I think it's God saying Ok. let me show you what I mean by being determined to love you...and He gives us people who do just that...who determine to love us with our crazy selves! I love that! People, there is hope after all!