this is my confession...

I have a war going on inside me. It's come to a place where I can't ignore it anymore, yet I really don't know what to do about it. So writing my questions will hopefully be my therapy.

I've struggled with my christian faith for around 4 years now. For so long I carried on my faith because that's how I was raised up. And being the good oldest child I am, I followed my parents advice because it's the only thing I knew to do. But I'm not sure any more. My favorite line that captures all my doubts is from Over The Rhine's song "When I Go" where Karin sings, " Except for this confession, that is poised on my lips, that I'm not letting go of God, I'm just losing my grip." That's exactly how I feel. It's not like I don't believe in God, I'm just not sure how and where he's supposed to fit in my life. Where do I draw the line between what I feel and what I know? How important are feelings with my faith in God? Is it just a logic/intellectual belief that doesn't involve emotions? My 'fingers' have been losing grip for sometime now and I think I'm at the place where if nothing happens to convince me otherwise, my faith will slide out of my hands.

Sitting at church today and listening to the message, I couldn't help but get overly emotional because the message amplified some of my questions...my doubts. Actually the last three messages at church have been addressing some of these questions. The one that's currently on my mind is when do you know that it's time to quit something? In my case, being in worship. I'll be honest to say that for sometime now, I think that my singing on Sunday morning has been more about performance, and I will not hide that it's very easy for me to perform and in that case for my 'ministry' to be confused for something that's really authentic, when it might actually not be. And I am uncomfortable with that. I've always been a strong believer in having a unified personhood...that is what I believe or live out in public is what I believe and live out in my private life...and I can guarantee you that it's not always so in my life. It's easy to put on a show...it's easy to cover up the real mess and wear these different faces that make everyone think "I've got something going for me". And that's a scary thought. What's more scary is to think that God will not revoke His gift because I chose not to use it whichever way He wants me to. Which means that He could let me keep using this gift in a manner that doesn't really glorify Him or is for naught, and He will not take it away from me...maybe it would be easier if He did take it away if I displeased Him, then again I guess He's not petty.

And so I find myself at this crossroad. I don't know what I believe about my faith and yet I stand, on most sundays, infront of a crowd and sing songs that talk about a faith I don't understand. Does that make me a hypocrite? Does that mean that I should quit until I can figure it out or do I perservere and hope that may be somewhere down the line, it will finally connect with me? This is sort of eating at me right now, and I hope I can find an answer somewhere down the line...