a few thoughts

A few interesting things have happened in the last week, but I'm not ready to talk about them...like Mary, I'll ponder them in my heart and wait to see what unfolds. I love life and how it often surprises us...that is if the surprise is a good one.

Last night I read this passage out of the blue that hasn't left my heart yet...something I'm still pondering. "Do not be afraid. Even though you have committed all this evil, don't turn away from following the Lord. Instead, worship the LORD with all you heart. Don't turn away to follow worthless things that can't profit or deliever you; they are worthless. The Lord will not abandon His people, because of His great name and because He has determined to make you His own people." 1 Samuel 12:20-22

Ever remember as a child how it was terrifying to do something wrong? There was always an ominous fear that your parents would abandon you if they discovered that you did something they wouldn't approve. Sometimes, actually all the time, I find that I have this kind of relationship with God. Sometimes I feel like I just keep coming up with these sins that it gets to a point where I'm like, you know, what I'm better off just forgetting about God because it just seems so hopeless...that I keep sinning and don't know how to stop.

May be that's why this passage struck me. Because contrary to my fear, God was telling the Israelites...look I know what you've done, but don't turn away from me because of that. I can almost see the compassion scripted on His face...He understood what they were ...stubborn, weak and rebellious...same here.

If I'm honest with myself, I rebel against God not becuase I don't believe He loves me, but because I get tired of myself. I get tired of making the same mistakes over and over and over and over again...and I never seem to learn my lesson. In my warped thinking it's like I'm telling God, I'll make this easy for you...I'll just walk away so you don't have to keep forgiving me or pouring all this unconditional love that doesn't seem to be accomplishing much.

The last part of this passage is surprising...to me at least. "He has determined to make you His people". I guess based on the fact that the way we as human beings relate to each other, there's always the element of giving up when you try to love someone who's uninterested, doesn't get it or could care less, but here God is saying, I'm determined to make you mine, I won't give up and I'll work at it until you are mine...when I first read that, it's like my heart skipped a beat. I was suprised, humbled and comforted all at the same time.

But in my true nature, I don't remember this often, I doubt it, I'm stubborn and will even refuse to embrace this because it seems too good to be true...that someone could love me like that...inspite of my rebellious, often 2yr old like tantrums, unbelievable dysfunction and neuroses... that He is DETERMINED to love Me, it's something I can't even grasp in my finite mind.

I guess that's why God gave us intimate relationships...because we get to live this out...the determination to love someone even when they get crazy as hell or are stubborn or just outright weird. That's why I'm fascinated by the idea of relationships...I think it's God saying Ok. let me show you what I mean by being determined to love you...and He gives us people who do just that...who determine to love us with our crazy selves! I love that! People, there is hope after all!

community & love relationships II

Here's the last portion on this entry...

Another crucial component to living in community in regards to relationships is honesty, honesty, honesty. I can’t even begin to emphasis how important this is. I think it’s crucial, when we realize that something might be tricky about the attractions we have, that might cause another person pain in one way or another, that we are honest with them, but this is easier said than done. As my friend Allan says, we must be willing to protect our friendships, and make sure that we don’t loose them over things that can be worked out. I realize that sometimes we might not say the complete truth because we either are not sure if the feelings or attraction are worth a penny or sometimes we are just afraid to hurt the other person so we figure it’s better to tell them half truths, other times we blatantly lie or remain silent thinking we are protecting the person or may be protecting ourselves…trust me, I’ve applied these reasons often times. In reality when the actual truth unfolds at a latter time, it causes even more pain than if everything was laid out at the very beginning. What honesty does is that it lets the person or people involved know what is actually going on…even if that’s the only thing that it accomplishes. I highly doubt that it does anyone any good, especially living in a small community, to live half-truth lives or protect ourselves by not speaking the truth. Now, I’m not advocating for people to always broadcast everything that is going on every time they think they like someone or something along those lines, but I think the minute we realize it might create some tension, it should be brought up for the sake of protecting our friendships. What honesty doesn’t do is make the hurt or disappointment less real, in fact it does the complete opposite. At the end of the day, if the truth is out there, each person is responsible for what they do with it. Along these same lines, I think the people around us should also play an important role to make sure that we are living honestly with our intentions, feelings and actions.

Finally, the most important piece in all of this is forgiveness. I’m always amazed, and I’m including myself here, at how we are so quick to hold grudges and even at times put such ridiculous expectations on other people, while we completely forget that we might find ourselves in the same situation down the line. We have to admit and absolutely believe in how each of us are so broken or as Francis Schaeffer would say we are all ‘glorious ruins’. We are capable of doing both amazing things and at times really horrible things…each of us is a walking paradox and how I wish we would always remember that…how I wish I would always remember that. Now, this doesn’t give us the permission to live however we choose, not caring about other people’s feelings, but when we get into a situation where we are clearly on the wrong or when another person wrongs us, I hope we don’t, for the rest of our lives, hold grudges against each other. Disappointment, anger, hurt, pain, jealousy…all these cannot be avoided but I also hope that we would have enough guts to go beyond them…to somehow believe that in one way or another God will turn those moments for some sort of good…even if that good might not be what we hoped or expected. I hope we can be more gracious with each other remembering that someday we might need someone to show us grace and forgiveness when we blunder, sometimes in such unbelievable and stupid ways. As I write this I can’t even begin to express my own inadequacy and uncertainty that I can live like this on a day to day basis. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m quick to judge and make assumptions and sometimes be very hard on people, but I hope living in a community of people I trust, that they would encourage, challenge and correct me when needed. The reality is that community is about the good, the bad and the ugly and in the midst of all this we can learn about ourselves, we can sharpen each other, we get to see glimpses of God in each other and are enriched by these people whom God has allowed to cross our paths, who in one minute can give us some of the greatest moments of our lives, while on the other hand cause us such hellish pain that we wish we never knew them.

I realize this might not be a popluar topic or one that people want to talk about…and it’s absolutely fine. But I think it should be talked about as it is a reality that some of us have had to live through or may have to live through at some point.

My word is not the law and is not beyond correction, it’s just my humble and honest opinions.

community & love relationships

Community. That’s the new word spilling from every one’s lips lately, especially in the Church. Most people now attend church because they are looking to find a community of believers, people who share similar beliefs, are around the same age group and can relate to each other’s experiences and be able to ‘do life’ together. In an individualistic society, such as America, I think it’s about time that people, especially the church, start living this out and the first believers in the book of Acts set up a perfect example of what that looks like. I was amazed at how much this very eclectic group of believers cared deeply for each other. Many were willing to sell their property so they could provide for the needs of others. They stuck together through thick and thin through all manner of hardship and I believe that’s what made the church spread like a wild fire. I thank God that in some way, I’ve found that community at RC3 and that’s why I love this church because I’ve found a group of brothers and sisters who love God, love life and are all in a quest to understand what it means to be human, living out their calling or at least trying to figure out why in the world they are here.

But living this close to people always brings up interesting circumstances and I’m on a quest to understand love, and especially how it manifests itself, whether in the more general form or between members of the opposite sex, the latter being of more interest to me lately. It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that if you have a group of men and women who have chosen to ‘do life’ together and who are also single, ‘drama’ is almost inevitable. In the nature of being human we will attract and get attracted to people all the time, but it gets tricky when this attraction is not restricted to just two people, or when it takes place in a group of people who know each other very well. So I’m wondering if it is at all possible to do this without burning bridges. It breaks my heart when a community is broken or fractured because, you know two people like one person, or one person likes two people and can’t really decide what they want and they are walking the fence of decision etc…it’s actually dizzying just talking about...We can’t deny that this doesn’t happen and I’m just wondering if there’s a proper way to handle it with little or no damage to our friendships.

For the record, I’ve had a version of this happen to me, a quandary of when two or three people like one person and being tangled in that mess …so I’m writing this from experience and thank God, it didn’t turn out ugly. It took swallowing my wounded pride and ego and choosing not to let this dictate my life and thankfully, I ended up being good friends with every person involved in this. But just because it worked out doesn’t mean that it was easy. It took every ounce of guts and intention to say you know what, this is really not worth fighting over or holding a grudge and trying the best, albeit over a span of time, to accept the reality and move on. But the question still stands is there a way to handle situations such as this in a manner that is worthy of our name…followers of Christ…people who have faced the reality of utter brokenness and immeasurable forgiveness and grace.

In my opinion there are a few things that come to mind that are essential in this. The components, I believe, are admitting the inevitability of attraction, the truth about flirting, honesty and forgiveness. The first is pretty obvious, attraction is inevitable. If you put single men and women together, in time, sparks are bound to fly, people are bound to be attracted to each other and in my opinion no one should ever be reprimanded or despised or have any other negative attitude be shown toward them because they find someone interesting and would like to know them. Also no one can dictate who will like who or should not like who, life or I should people have a tendency to always surprise each other. You know you might be friends with a person for a long time, and then come to realize that you have more feelings for them than just being friends or you might find yourself attracted to someone who has dated another person in the same community, which gets really tricky and I don’t know that there’s anyway that it can be avoided. I think in such situations care and very clear intentions must be expressed and communicated so that everyone knows what’s going on, at least ideally.

Tied to this is flirting. Most of us can admit that we’ve flirted once or twice or more, take your pick. For me there are times I flirt with people because I’m nervous or feeling insecure and I want to somewhat break the ice and other times I’m just flat out attracted to a guy and I want to let them know I’m sort of interested without blatantly being like dude I think your cute, and I’d like to get to know you, next thing I know they walk a mile away when they see me…or something like that. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with flirting as long it’s done in a manner that doesn’t compromise anyone’s integrity or cause other people around you to feel uncomfortable because it’s so overt or inappropriate. I think it’s also important to distinguish between flirting and people just being really comfortable with each other. I have guys that I’m very comfortable with, they are like brothers to me and I know that may be how I act around them might be interpreted as flirting. I think it’s also very crucial that we are honest with ourselves with flirting habits. I will honestly admit that I like to flirt, sometimes it’s done innocently other times, I know exactly what I’m trying to accomplish with any one particular person. And God help me that my behavior doesn’t either cause another person pain or make another person uncomfortable or make other people wonder what the hell is she doing and why does she have to do it that way. I can only hope that the people I’ve chosen to ‘do life’ with, would be honest with me when they see me acting in a questionable manner.

To be cont'd