if you really want to know...

I’m a tortured soul, but you couldn’t tell from this smile
But my pillow could tell you the truth
Of tears I’ve cried to wish away this pain, tears I cry for this pain

Don’t trust my smile, cause I could be hiding death
When I say I’m fine, ask again
I might really say what’s going on

I don’t want to spend my life all alone, but you couldn’t tell from my walls
They’ve been long enough because I’m afraid
I’m afraid you won’t know how to hold my soul

Don’t run the first time you can’t get through
If you really want to know me
Keep knocking, eventually I might answer

I’m so uncertain of who I am, but you couldn’t tell that from a distance
Spend a little more than a minute
And you’ll see just what I’m made of

Don’t assume you know me just because you know me by name
Take time and go beyond the surface
You might be surprised at what you find

after the mountain

It's back again. It's tucked somewhere between my left breast and ribs. It's the place I always feel it. It's this aching pain, maybe disparity is more fitting. A lot of times, I'm not even aware it's there until there are no distractions that I can feel and hear it loud and clear, but I don't know what to do about it.

The last few months have been a huge contrast to the last three year of my life. First, a relationship I was in, ended, with no regrets or hard feelings. Then it's like something started to stir in me, something I haven't felt in so long and if I have, it's been very short lived. In reality, I was skeptical of this stirring. I thought maybe it was PMS...I always get very emotional and optimistic about things, moreso, I tend to feel things more intensely...bottomline, I didn't trust what was going on. I waited for it to pass, but it persisted. So I started to read my Bible, something I haven't done in God knows how long, I started to have awkarward moments of prayer... I still do. I started to ask God to show me what I was supposed to do with my life, moreso with my singing. A month or so into this, my friend Stacy sent me this email that really changed a lot about my life. In a nutshell, I felt that the next chapter of my life would mean going back to school, something I've been against for a while...and that it would involve me moving to Seattle. I haven't felt so sure about anything in a very long time, and I felt it in my whole being that this would be my next move. So about a week ago, I went to Seattle to interview at Mars Hill Graduate School and also check out the city, let's just say, it was hard coming back to Chicago.

It was after this great, hopeful, vision-casting trip that I started feeling this pain...and I can't quite shake it. It sort of hit me when I got back, but came full force the following day. Making it worse was this strange dream I had that in some sense reminded me of my deep depravity and I guess I'm still carrying that. Part of me hasn't even experienced the post-Seattle exuberance... this hope that I could start life a new...in a new city, a school that will probably challenge me in ways no one has yet challenged me, I haven't had a chance to enjoy those thoughts of what will be. When I try to explain to my friends what happened, I can feel it in my voice, that something has sort of left me.

My friends Stacy and Hannah, see this is as a natural progression. I had this thought that it was like when Moses saw the promised land, but then he had to return to his normal life, by no means am i trying to say my experience was anything close to Moses', but it's the principle...being able to see a glimpse of what life could be, but knowing that time has to pass between now and the future. I guess that's where I'm stuck. And how to pull myself out of this, I'm not quite sure. I guess tomorrow I'll find out what happens next.