A Brave New World

...no, this is not Aldous Huxley's new world, but mine. It's the world of finally letting people, beside my close friends hear what I sing about. I opened a myspace music page with unpolished pieces of music and i feel a little like the first day of school not really knowing if I'll be accepted, liked or laughed at and turned into an outcast...which in reality was my experience growing up. There's something about a singer/songwriter finally putting their music out there. It's the scariest thing ever because as much as I think I write good music, no one else out there could give a lick as to why I wrote any of my songs. For me song writing is really my way of putting all the jumbled thoughts that run around my head all day on paper and giving people a glimpse into what really goes on behind my clothes and likability...at least I think I'm likable. Almost everyday I keep asking why would anyone want to hear what I have to say?

Prime example, I happen to have two 'gigs' this coming weekend, but I was literary afraid to tell people about one of them because I thought, 'who the hell do you think you are that people will come see you twice in a weekend'...and in my self-deprecating answer, I thought no one. But then I talked to a few of my friends and pretty much all said it would be crazy if i didn't tell people about both performances...which I ended up doing, but had to reveal my hesitation of telling them I was singing twice...I just saw in mind people getting bored, and I'd hate to cause another person boredom. Which makes me think how do pop stars do it? I mean how do they go from city to city, night to night performing, probably the same songs? I can't figure that one out.

Anyway, back to my insecurities. I just have this fear that sooner or later people will get tired of hearing my woes and what really goes on in my mind. I'm no entertainer. I just like to write songs that talk about issues that concern me and people who are close to me....and most of the time, it's really not that entertaining to hear about my brother's struggle with his dreams or my own demons and wishes.

Bottomline, I'm insecure about all this. I for one, don't really like to hear myself sing because I pretty much end up critizing myself and can only think that it could sound much better than it does. I really I'm insecure about all this...but then what? My friend Sarah Nun said something really profound the other day as she was responding to my hesitation...she said something along the lines of we artists have to put out there what we write or draw or paint otherwise something in us dies....which I wholeheartedly agree. I don't know what I'd do, if I kept all these thoughts to myself. I'd explode.

Sometimes I tell myself that if only person gets to hear what I wrote, I'll be fine, but that's a lie. I think with this gift, and maybe for anyone with artistic talent can attest, our talents have to be shared. You can't keep them to yourself...it's as though the very reception of these talents by others is in itself a completion of the whole process of creating whatever it is we are creating...be it music, poetry, literature, art etc. The work itself is not completed until it has been received by another person...and I guess that's the dilemma in all of this, because in my heart I keep thinking who will want to receive anything I write...a pretty discouraging thought, which at times makes me want to take another path, but then that would be the biggest mistake I would make because I know without a shadow of doubt that this is part of my make-up...it's my destiny...but a destiny that often times makes me tremble.

So this is my brave new world...living with this insecurity, and with these thoughts I must write down and hope that people out there will be kind enough to receive what I offer. My thoughts, I doubt, are revolutionary, but they are honest at best and simple.

www.myspace.com/naelid