On Being Pigeon-holed

So I met this musician a little over a week ago. I connected with his music and was hoping to meet musicians in Seattle since I'll be moving there in a few months. As we sent short messages, I dreaded him asking why I was relocating because instinctively I knew when I told him the reason, that would be the last I would hear from him.

Like I thought, when I mentioned I was going to study theology, that was the end of our brief 'meeting'...and I really hated it. This short lived incident reminded me why I sometimes have a hard time broadcasting that I'm a Christian. Partly because I'm ashamed of the picture most people have of Christians. We are regarded as narrow and closed minded. We are associated with being ridiculously conservative. We are seen as people who don't like anyone who's homosexual, anyone who's ever aborted a child, anyone who drinks or smokes or has a child out of wedlock, and we played a major role in supporting the current war. I resist being associated with that kind of Christianity, and honestly would rather that people didn't even know my faith worldview.

The reason why I hate it so much is because I feel like I'm denied a chance to represent my whole person. Being a Christian is only a part of who I am...there are so many other things that are my make-up and I don't like people judging me on just one side of me. This bothered me all weekend that someone, at least that's what I'm thinking happened, would shut me out because I have this worldview. This reminds of my experience in London at the end of last year. My friend Hannah and I were staying with a friend of a friend of a friend. The day after we arrived we told our host we would go out and probably return really late, but didn't know how late we would return. Being in a new place, and wanting to explore all that London had to offer, we lost track of time, couldn't figure how to get back to where we staying and ended up getting to our host's home at around 6:30am. The next morning, I was woken up by Hannah with this look of disbelief scripted on her face saying that we had been kicked out and had 1hr to pack our things and get out. I don't think I've ever been that nervous, afraid, confused and utterly shocked. One of my greatest fears is that of rejection, which I felt is what was happening at that time.

Her whole reason for kicking us out was because she thought we were the most selfish, irresponsible, untrustworthy people she'd ever met and didn't feel comfortable letting us stay in her house. I was shocked beyond words. Never mind that we were strangers in London and it was New Year's eve, she never once, in our conversation, asked what had happened. She had made up her mind that we could not be trusted and that was the end of the story. To make it even worse, she was a Christian...and I thought to myself, no wonder people don't really care so much about Christianity. I mean, even if were in the wrong, and I do agree we could have called her and told her we would be really late, I don't think it warranted being labeled as irresponsible, untrustworthy and selfish. She didn't know a damn thing about us and I feel it was a mistake to treat us like we were repeating a previously committed mistake.

As I thought about this most recent 'encounter' I wondered what kind of Christians this guy had/has met. Maybe they were closed-minded. Maybe they were narrow-minded. Maybe they despised homosexuals. Maybe they stood at abortion clinics screaming murder on anyone who even thought of entering the clinic. Maybe they made him feel like he was less of a human being because he didn't believe what they did. Maybe he's heard time and again what evangelical leaders like Pat Robertson have to say about what's on God's mind and unlucky for me, and other well meaning Christians, that's the impression people will have of anyone who claims to follow Jesus.

What I wish people, including this guy, could see before they discarded me is that I'm a struggling Christian. I don't walk around guessing where God is and isn't or who He loves and doesn't love based on the choices they've made with their lives. I don't walk around shoving the Bible down people's throats telling them that if they don't take it for what it says, they are bound for hell. At best, I walk around knowing, fully well, just how fucked up I am and sometimes this whole faith business doesn't really add up when I come face to face with my demons. That majority of the time, I don't always know what I'm supposed to believe. That sometimes I'm uncomfortable with this idea that some of us have it and others don't. That I don't know how to reconcile the reality of people who live in other parts of the world that haven't heard this gospel and yet they have a belief system they faithfully follow. That sometimes I'm uncomfortable with God and even more uncomfortable with what we've made Him to be.

What I really hope for is a chance to show people who I really am before they decide what to do with me. I may subscribe to a faith that to some might seem like a form of weakness, or that it's stupid or that it seems outlandish but I just want a chance to show myself. I think that's what every human being needs...a chance to be...