I've had this thought circling my head for the last few days. "Do not attempt faith if you don't want to look or feel stupid." I'm beginning to feel a little stupid now for having faith that things will somehow work out, even though every sign points to 'are you serious?' It's not like I'm whining, but I'm sure that's probably what I'm doing, but for my own sake, let's just say I'm expressing myself.
I try to think about stories in the Old Testament where people were told to do some crazy stuff in the hopes that they will lessen my feeling stupid and illogical...it usually works temporarily and then reality sort of hits and I'm thinking what the hell are you thinking.
Neil Hughes from the documentary series said, I believe in 28Up, that the reason he loved the Old Testament was because God was so unpredictable. And I guess that's probably why I love it. There's no form to His madness or working. He doesn't explain Himself...He just does things. Period. It's how I feel with my life.
On my way to work today, I wanted to ask God to give me a break, but then I thought, how dare I ask for a break when there are people suffering worse than I am. All I'm asking is that my permanent residency would be completed,which seems trivial considering most of these wandering souls just want to sleep at night knowing that they won't have hear bullets flying through the air. Or worry that they will be raped by unhuman-like militia. And I'm asking for a break for what? Get real.
Everything right now seems wrong. I have this heavy ache in my heart that maybe things won't turn like I have been hoping. I have this pain in my heart that maybe I was wrong and I'll have to walk around in shame trying to explain what the hell I believed so strongly. Do I become angry at myself for having believed so strongly without much of a guarantee or at God for allowing me to come this far without warning me that I was misstaken and He hadn't said a word about what I was to do next.
This is what is so complicated about faith. I want things to work logically. I want things to happen that I can explain and people can understand. I'm uncomfortable with uncertainty. I'm not happy with walking and not knowing if the ground will be there when I take the next step. I dislike having to get up and go not really knowing where I'm going or what I'll find when I get there.
I'm really uncomfortable with having to walk in faith.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
What If I was Wrong
Posted by Naomi at 8:38 AM
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2 comments:
What gives me comfort when I feel like that is the realization that if someone had been betrayed by God like we fear, we would have heard about it by now. I mean, as humans, we tell everyone when we've been betrayed: the cable guy was 4 hours late, my boyfriend cheated on me, my car got towed for no reason. Any time something happens that opposes our expectations, we bitch about it. We write to the newspaper, start a blog, publish books, stand in front of city hall. Oprah has made a career letting people do so on her TV show. Our persistence in telling the world is amazing.
So, why aren't there books out there about how-I-trusted-God-and-he-didn't-come-through. God Cheated On Me! I Waited and I Waited and He Never Showed Up.
We'd hear about it if it happened. The absence of support groups for those betrayed by God is telling.
I love reading about the journey you're on. Thank you for being so vulnerable.
Faith is amazing. I live, eat and walk it. It gets strange, that much I know, It even puts one in weird situations, but the great thing is teaches too. It's a journey...you slowly learn it, to live on/in it and soon it becomes the definition of you, grows on you and you can't shake it off, all you know is it's what it is and no other, it's amazing, God is!
All the best in your walking in faith :)
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