So I'm a firm believer in the healing power of crying. Since I moved to Seattle, I haven't been able to cry at all...until last night.
Life feels so overwhelming right now, and I have had a few panic attacks lately...probably not as intense as some people experience them, but they were enough to make me gasp for air. I've always admitted that I'm a control freak...I like to see things, especially in my life, well organized, know what the next step is going to be, but following after God means following after, what often feels like an invisible, unpredictable and lately myth deity.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will fail at this. I'm afraid that I won't be able to support myself and my sister financially. I've been spending my savings and there's not much that's coming in and it's scaring the shit out of me.
So in my panic and fear last night and tears freely flowing at 2am, this is what i came up with. It probably won't make sense to you, but it does to me.
Why am I here and not anywhere else in the world?
Why has my path unwound itself like it has and not any other way?
Why do I have the things I have and lack the things I lack?
Why even after all the stupid things I've said and done, I'm still here
Why was it not I who trekked across the desert for my dignity
Or lie low to avoid the shells sprayed for brother and foe
Why is it not I who sits at a corner seeking for a morsel
Why even after all the stupid things I've said and done, I'm still here
What response do I owe
What manner of life do I live
To care for a life I never applied for
Why do I have this breathe of life
Why do I have the talents that so many possess
And what does mine mean to the world
YOU and I know too well I'm undeserving
YOU either see in full and still chose what you chose
Or are blind and unaware of my cunningness
I cannot look YOU in the eye because I know me too well
With this breathe I will pledge my allegiance
Until I find something that will elevate me
What, and if, YOU have found anything in me
I cannot understand
You either are truly all knowing or you know nothing at all
Sunday, August 26, 2007
My Cry Fest
Posted by Naomi at 12:33 PM
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5 comments:
Hi Nae-hope God reveals something to you, wait in patience, trust and in faith. Lean on God, He never fails us, His time is definitely not ours but He does come at His own appointed time.
Please read Proverbs 3:5-6
If we both end up as broke, homeless, failures, I'll share a cardboard box with you and I'll write you poems and you can sing to me.
i think that would be a grand idea...although the northwest would be ideal for our cardboarding situation...good weather, beauty and cute boys hehehehe
yeah, if i'm homeless, I'll try to make it out your way. we can set up a colony or something. Kind of like a leper colony. Except hopefully with all our fingers and toes still in tack.
hahahahaha....i think we'll be fine....
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