Dust of the Surface

I've always had a fascination with relationships...at all levels. I can't tell you what I thought about relationships growing up because one, I was an outcast, and second, I had an insurmountable fear that I would be rejected, a fear I still carry with me. In last few days while reading for class, I've discovered a theme that keeps repeating itself and it probably wasn't until today that I started to connect some dots, in terms of my deep desire for deep relationships and my relationship to/with God.

God and I have always had this complicated relationship and so have I with other human beings. I still recall a very poignant moment in my childhood, still etched in my brain. I was in 5th grade or Standard 5 like we call it, and in boarding school. One evening after I had finished dinner, I decided to take a walk to the field, but with a very clear intention. I have absolutely no idea where I got this idea from, but I thought, wouldn't it be great to get a rose and give to God? And that's exactly what I did. I got a voluptuous, fully bloomed red rose, walked to the middle of field, laid on the ground with my face looking up. I put the rose on my chest, closed my eyes and told God that I wanted Him to come take the rose. I don't need to tell you that after however long I laid there, God never came for the rose. I think I was disappointed, but I don't think that it ever made me lose that connection with God.

What I'm learning is that when God created us in His image, He mirrored the community that already existed between the Trinity. In essence, one of the many-layered ways we are created in the image of God is this sense of community, that no man is an island. And I think this is where my dots connect....my desire for God is as much as my desire for 'pure' relationships.
But I've been disappointed by both, yet I tremble to talk about being disappointed with God because I was always taught that God never disappoints, but when life hasn't turned out like I thought, the only emotion that comes close to relating how I feel is disappointment. But I must also add, that even when I've felt disappointed, things always resolve themselves, often better than I would have hoped for.

My disappointment with my fellow human beings is quite different. As a precaution to the pain of disappointment, I've always kept people at bay because I'm afraid they won't meet my desire and need for something that goes beyond the 'hello and goodbye'. But if you dig deeper, you'll realize that it's because in the hands of my fellow man, I have suffered such pain and tainting, but should quickly add that I too have been the cause of another soul's pain and/or tainting. So I'm torn between wanting to have meaningful relationships, because they mirror the 'being created in the image of God', and being afraid that the person or people I chose to entrust my soul to, might not have that much interest or care into my wellbeing.

In the core of my soul, I know relationships matter and like I suspect, it's because they mirror this perfect union between God, Jesus and the Spirit and look at what He has accomplished, which only makes me wonder what we would accomplish if there was that kind of unity amongst ourselves. As I write this, I keep thinking of a scene in the movie Crash when Thandie's character gets into a car accident, and the only person who could save her was the same person who had violated her earlier and I thought this is what we do to each other...we bruise each other, and yet we are each other's hope to healing...a concept that is hard to wrap my brain around.

What I really desire is to have the type of relationships that make you laugh, but also make you cry. That cause you inexplicable joy, but also make you angry, that stir your heart in ways that leave you exhausted, but also hungry for more. That cause you to wake up and dare to do something beyond the mundane activities that clamor around us. THAT'S WHAT MY HEART WANTS, but I'm also afraid because I don't want to be hurt again...I don't want give myself completely and then have no reciprocity. I don't want for someone to walk all over my heart, but I also don't want to be discovered as a phony. I'm afraid that my secret will be out, that I really have got nothing. And even in the midst of this, I truly YEARN. I YEARN for something that even on my best, creative day, could never have dreamt up. But this also means that these walls MUST come down, so I can find this life I've only had rare glimpses of.

This is just brushing off the dust of the surface...