And then there was the End...

So my first tri-semester at Mars Hill has come to an end, but the end hasn't been easy. The progression can be illustrated as starting with excitement and an idealization of what this new chapter of my life would mean for the future to a slow progression that's escalated to a place of pain, anger, uncertainty and questions that at this point seem so huge I have no idea how the answers will come about.

I mentioned this in the last blog that my first thoughts when I started Mars Hill was that it would be about being reminded about who God was, in turn I found out that I needed to be reminded of who I was. This last part has been the most surprising experience of being here. But in some sense it makes sense because my whole life I've always focused on the 'other person' to unhealthy degrees that I have slowly lost myself in the process. The discovery of this loss of my voice, person, whatever you want to call it has made me feel uncertain about the people that I have in my life at this point and as a result I've pushed most of them away with two exceptions, but I can't and/or I'm not willing to process why I've done that at this moment.

What I'm more interested in is the idea that in discovering who I am, the fact that I am created in the image of God, not only frees me to live my life fully, but at the same time, it might be a way understand God. Lately I've wondered what it means for me, an African, a woman and a singer/songwriter influences how I see God. I've been challenged by ideas presented by theologian Jurgen Moltmann about what it means to be created in the image of God, but no one ever told me that being created in the image of God could be seen through the aspects I've mentioned above.

What does it mean to be an African and to believe in God even though missionaries made it very clear that we were savages and didn't have the faintest clue about God? What does it mean for me, a woman, to have faith in a God who's always come in Male form, when I haven't felt myself represented in the God-head? What does it mean for me to be a singer/songwriter and to engage in my gifts without feeling like I need to write worship songs in order to show my devotion and commitment to God?

So this only leaves me with more questions than answers. Sometimes I want to go back to being a child and see the world with such innocence and trust, but I guess I can't. I'll be 31 in exactly 30 days as of today, something I still can't believe and if life will turn out like it has so far, I think it will not turn out like the picture I've had in my mind. I'm trying to let that go slowly, the idea that life will turn out like I've hoped or wanted, but I'm also trying not to lose all hope. I'm trying to walk that balance between not holding on too firmly to my dreams and not letting them all go...and that's a tricky thing.