A Glimpse

I was having a really bad day today. The day started as normal feeling low and my life having not that much purpose. Then my brother sent me a message, and that, for most of the time, stresses me out.

The last four months have been hard for me financially. Having to support my siblings has often times taken a toll on me and I've been stretched thin. I never really tell people about this just because I don't like asking for help...especially this kind of help. When I got my brother's message today, I hit a low and like I've done so many times, breathed out this prayer that I couldn't take this anymore. I have too many things I'm trying to deal with...my brother...my moving to Seattle...my pending permanent residency...my feeling of inadequacy with life in general...reading all the tragedies going on around the world...I just couldn't take it anymore. For a minute, I wanted to crawl out of my skin and get away for a few minutes and maybe take a breathe before I crawled back into my skin and continued to make sense out this thing called life.

In the middle of this turmoil and feelings of hopelessness, a friend of mine, who will remain anonymous, was online and sent me a message. The message was short...I'll paraphrase it... "I wanted to see if I can loan you some cash because I know your trying to help your brother. Let me know and I'll give it to you. It will be my pleasure to help you." I became water. There in my office, I just started to cry uncontrollably. It took me a minute or two to compose myself and sent back a message saying how much that meant to me and how it's exactly what I was needed.

I've always heard how God works in mysterious ways...and I think I know that He does. For this to happen was a glimpse into that reality. I'm sure people can be skeptical, but for me it was more than just a coincidence. For a moment, I had a glimpse of hope that someone is watching over me. I often don't feel it, but today I didn't feel alone. I felt like someone saw how tired I was and just wanted me to know that it wasn't the end of the world.

How will this work?

I need to write this so it doesn't get stuck in the myriad of thoughts and questions already floating around my brain.

Last October, I decided, after a strong conviction, that I was going back to school to get my Masters in Divinity. Mars Hill Graduate School was my choice and in a span of about a month, I had filled out my application, visited the school and had my interview. A month later I received my acceptance letter and started the slow process of getting ready to leave Chicago and started a new chapter in Seattle.

I haven't had many doubts about my decision. It's one of those things I know for a fact, but as I've said before, that doesn't mean there haven't been questions. Today I think the doubts have really set in. I'm still in the process of getting my status changed from working visa to permanent residency, which is important if I'm going to move. When I last called immigration they told me my case was outside the processing times, and I'm not quite sure what that means. In 45 days, 30 days ago, they said they'd review my case and give me an answer.

Operating in faith means that I have to keep believing that this is what God has planned for me, even though there are some very clear signs that it's almost impossible for this to happen. I tend to go by instincts a lot...often I know when I'm supposed to do something or shouldn't. In all honesty, I never listen to my instincts that often because they, in my shallow opinion, tend to rob me of just having fun in life. This time I have no foreboding feeling telling me that this is one crazy idea. In fact there's such a strong sense of 'this is what I'm supposed to do.' But the questions are getting bigger and more real and threatening. I'm afraid now...more or less uncertain of what's ahead and how all this will unfold.

By the way, all this came about because I went to file for FAFSA as a permanent resident, but realized I couldn't because my residency is still pending. The deadline for filing is May 15, which means I have 1 month 3 days some hours and seconds as I write this. No lie, I'm scared.

Faith is the other side of reason, that's what I read the other day and I have to use faith more than anything to survive this. In the back of my head I keep thinking and saying to myself if this is meant to be it will happen, even when there are opposing odds...I believe that for a few seconds and soon reality reels me back to thinking...this is impossible...or who am I kidding?

I want to believe that all will be well, but I have my fears....

The Randomness of my life...

I was helping my friends Allan & Dave clean out of the place they were moving out of and Allan asked me what I thought about the message at Church. I wanted to lie and say it was good...that's what you're supposed to say, right? So I struggled through my answer first by saying that I was tired, which was not entirely true and finally just blurted out, "I've heard that message before." Which is always awkward, in spite of how true it is. But that is the truth. I zoned out of the message right at the beginning because I've heard it before...that or I'm just tired of hearing another sermon of what I'm supposed to be as a Christian and knowing that as soon as the benediction is over, I'll barely be able to say what I heard or live it out at best.

I get tired of being a Christian sometimes, and lately, actually the last 2-3yrs, very much complacent mainly because I don't think I really get it. I'm frustrated with all the promises and hopes and I'm coming to this realization that it's not as easy as people make it to be. I've realized that there are 'demons' I can't overcome and saying a prayer doesn't really seem to work. I'm moving to Seattle to study theology...I still can't figure that one out. But it's one of those things I KNOW I'm SUPPOSED to do. I feel it in my bones and yet this is in spite of how complacent, doubtful, confused and nominal I feel about my faith. It's confusing, illogical, but also mysterious and beautiful...all at the same time.

Last week I found out my brother got a girl pregnant. My initial reaction was not that great, I'll admit. But now, I get chills to think that I'll be aunt in 6months! But I get nervous too because my brother is still trying to figure his life out, and it hurts me like hell whenever I talk to him and I can literally feel the torment of his own soul as he wades through his own demons, and now the fact that he's going to be a father. I ache for him so much that sometimes I feel like I'll explode. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him get out of this. I don't know what words to say that will make his light switch go on and realize that life isn't waiting for him...that he's going to be a father and needs to work his shit out to a point where he can be a responsible father...not perfect...just responsible. I'd hate for my brother to be one of those dead-beat dads...we were raised better than that, but then again, he's an adult and can make whatever choice he wants...whether it's right or wrong. The only thing is that no matter what decision he makes, it will affect us...including his unborn child.

I thought about that proverb...raise a child in the way he should go and when he's older, he'll never depart from it. At this point, that's not what happened to my brother...he did depart from the way he was brought up...and this is not just about being a Christian, but being a responsible human being. I sometimes feel for my parents because I know they can't figure this one out...they raised three children...same principles, same discpline, same everything and yet it seems like my brother missed something.

Sometimes, I sit back and try to comprehend what life is and I can't. I get tired of it sometimes, but I'm also hopeful once in awhile. I have moments of confusion and other times it's as clear as daylight, but the clear days are far apart. Sometimes I think I know why I'm here...why I'm still alive, other times, I feel like like I'm falling in a blackhole and haven't the faintest idea as to what's going to happen. Such is the randomness of my life...