Joseph, How Did it Feel

Joseph how did it feel that first night?
Hearing a language you couldn't understand
Seeing places and faces strange and unfamiliar
And how did you comfort yourself to sleep
Or remind yourself of Jehovah

Joseph how did you spend your first night?
In a place strange and far away
Where your father or Benjamin couldn't hold you
And tell you stories that made you feel safe
And dignify your being alive

Joseph how did you spend your first night?
When all your humanness was reduced to stares and gestures
When not a single soul could look into yours
And grant you the dignity that you rightfully owned
Where not an ounce of recognition was given to your existence

Joseph how did your spend your first night?
When all you had learned both great and small
Did not seem to measure to those who held your life
With such carelessness and indifference
As though what you had stored up had no meaning

What words of wisdom would you pass down
To souls who tread now to far places
Willingly or unwillingly
What words would you give to comfort
And give hope that all is not lost

What made you conquer the lonely nights
What made you wade through the unfamiliarity
What made you not give up even in the pit of despair
What song did you sing in the thick of night
What words did you whisper to stay alive
What dreams did you dream to keep hope aflame
What promise did you make to YAHWEH to get you out

Joseph how did you spend your first night?

My Soul's Not Here Yet

So it will be a week today since I moved here. Seattle is breath-taking. For instance we were going to someone's house for dinner yesterday and we were driving up/climbing this hill...in the city mind you...and I literally said Holy Shit! cause the hill was so steep. It feels like a roller coaster...you go up and are not quite what's after the hill.

The last two days have been sunny!!!! YEAH! I sat on the window for a little bit trying to soak up the sun cause I don't know if it will be like this all week. The surprise though is that even when it's cloudy, it's actually pretty warm and it's something my brain is still trying to understand. I've been trying to walk a lot to familiarize myself with city, but my legs are killing me. There's this one hill I have to walk up from school that's going to kill me I think...it's so steep...it's ridiculous. I guess I won't need to join a gym for toning my ass cause that walking will definitely do it.

I think I found an apartment. It's a cute small studio in an old building that's got such great character and really nice manager called Bil. The apartment is at least 5 blocks to school, which I'm very happy about. And hopefully if I get a job at Gap and Starbucks, which I'm going to apply to today, they will all be walking distance.

There's a ton of cute boys around...and totally my type too...we'll see if any of them will do the right thing...I wish Sarah was here with me...

With all these discoveries, I've noticed that my soul is really not here. My body arrived, but I'm not all here. I met Deb who's a singer/songwriter and attends Mars Hill, and she said it took a while for her to fully be here...and I guess it probably will take a while to really arrive. Deb is an amazing woman who I hope to get to know better...hopefully when I'm 45 I'll be like her...completely owning myself.

Oh, I also heard Dave Matthews lives around here and in my dreams, he'll hear me singing at some coffee shop and will approach me and ask if he can record my next CD which I'll gladly say yes.

Ok. people, so that's it for my updates. By the way I started a new blog specifically for wrestling with Christianity...so if you want to see if I'm coming up with any heresies you can always check it out...

Death of Familiarity

So I'm sitting on my friend's toilet as it's the only place in their house I can receive a strong wireless connection from a nearby apartment. No I'm not stealing it...they actually gave me their password so I would have access to the internet.

It's been at least three days, I think, since I moved to Seattle and to be honest, I can't really tell you how I feel because there's a numbness in my soul. My friends Stacy and Jeremy, who've been kind enough to offer me their air-bed, food and living room till I can find my own place, have been gone for the weekend, which has allowed to freely wallow and allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel. For the most part nothing has been that interesting. I was thinking yesterday how everyone told me Seattle rains all the time, and I sort of laughed it off...but holy crap it does rain ALL THE TIME!!!!!! But I had an AHA! moment yesterday afternoon, that if this is what it's like all the time, I'll either let the weather dictate what I do with my life...or I just keep living life in spite of it. So in a moment of defiance to the weather, I actually left the apartment, while it was still raining, and went into the city for a few hours...which felt very liberating.

There are no great, exciting stories to tell right now...so sorry if this doesn't run like a happy story. I'm actually a little depressed because of what I call 'death of familiarity'. Nothing around me is familiar...everything is new and daunting and a part of me feels a little scared to venture out. When I walk down the street I wonder if people can read my face and see how scared shitless I am of being here...even though I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I guess it is with every major change in life...that you have go through a sort of death of what once was, and hopefully in time, I'll be comfortable with my new surroundings and actually begin to create a rhythm to my new life.

This is all I can say at this moment and as my friend Allan would say, 'follow close'.

Been a While

So I haven't blogged in quite sometime. It's not that I haven't had things to talk about. I guess I've just lacked the motivation to sit down and make sense out of various things that have happened in the last few months.

For starters, I finally got my green card... A HUMONGOUS answer to prayer. As always it happened right at point where I was beginning to think that it wasn't going to happen. I then quit my job, which has been so thrilling to finally have this freedom, even though it's going to be short lived. I have never felt this relaxed...really. My days to the big move to Seattle are inching closer...I believe it's about a little over a week before I board that train to start this new chapter of my life.

For the most part, I think I'm pretty relaxed considering that I don't have a job yet, haven't quite figured where I'm going to live and oh yeah, not quite sure as to how I'm paying for school. But yet I don't feel the need or pressure to have all of these things figured out...and it's all I can say...call me stupid or truly living out in faith.

I feel like I've learned a tremendous lesson...one that I've written about over and over again...the reality that life will not turn out like I've pictured it in my head...but eventually life actually turns out just fine. For example, I had planned and hoped that I would release my debut CD before I left for Seattle, but as life has it, it won't happen till I move out there...and God knows exactly when that will happen. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, but what's to be done? I had my few moments of feeling down, but then I had to keep moving on knowing that maybe this plan, that I didn't orchestrate, might actually be better than the one I tried hard to make happen.

I think I've discovered that when I plan for my life it's always about me. I'm not caring about anyone else, just my own happiness. But I think that when God plans my life, He's probably counting 1 or 2 or a million people and how my life will affect them...which makes sense that life doesn't really turn out like I want it to because I'm way too selfish to think about another human being...especially when it comes to my own advancement.

It's hard to say to goodbye to my friends here...that's the toughest part, but I guess there must something else that will be even more enriching than what I have here...not to take away from the experience I've had so far. A few nights ago I was having a little bit of a panic attack when I realized what I was leaving behind and I told God that if I hadn't felt convinced to move to Seattle, I would by no means leave this place...and that's the only reason why I'm moving...because I feel compelled to, for reasons that even I don't understand. I guess that's what makes faith scary but also thrilling.

I haven't got the faintest clue as what's going to happen when I move to Seattle. All I know that is that I'm convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that it's where I'm supposed to be...the rest is yet to be seen.