My Cry Fest

So I'm a firm believer in the healing power of crying. Since I moved to Seattle, I haven't been able to cry at all...until last night.

Life feels so overwhelming right now, and I have had a few panic attacks lately...probably not as intense as some people experience them, but they were enough to make me gasp for air. I've always admitted that I'm a control freak...I like to see things, especially in my life, well organized, know what the next step is going to be, but following after God means following after, what often feels like an invisible, unpredictable and lately myth deity.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will fail at this. I'm afraid that I won't be able to support myself and my sister financially. I've been spending my savings and there's not much that's coming in and it's scaring the shit out of me.

So in my panic and fear last night and tears freely flowing at 2am, this is what i came up with. It probably won't make sense to you, but it does to me.

Why am I here and not anywhere else in the world?
Why has my path unwound itself like it has and not any other way?
Why do I have the things I have and lack the things I lack?
Why even after all the stupid things I've said and done, I'm still here

Why was it not I who trekked across the desert for my dignity
Or lie low to avoid the shells sprayed for brother and foe
Why is it not I who sits at a corner seeking for a morsel
Why even after all the stupid things I've said and done, I'm still here

What response do I owe
What manner of life do I live
To care for a life I never applied for

Why do I have this breathe of life
Why do I have the talents that so many possess
And what does mine mean to the world

YOU and I know too well I'm undeserving
YOU either see in full and still chose what you chose
Or are blind and unaware of my cunningness

I cannot look YOU in the eye because I know me too well
With this breathe I will pledge my allegiance
Until I find something that will elevate me

What, and if, YOU have found anything in me
I cannot understand
You either are truly all knowing or you know nothing at all

My Struggle

"Society cares for the individual only so far as he is profitable" Simone de Beauvoir

I came across this quote by Simone de Beauvoir, who, the only thing I know about her is that she, was a French author. Whenever I check my gmail, there's always a funny quote above that I once in a while like to read. Today's was " to catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job". I really liked it so I clicked on the link to see what other brilliant quotes this woman had written and that's when I came across the one above.

In working at Starbucks there's definitely a theme that keeps circulating in my head, one that is often hard to remember when you've got the human race parading at your cashier everyday and that is 'that every human being should be treated with respect and dignity...regardless of who they are.

For the most part, the customers I serve are always nice, some might get irritated when it takes me awhile to find the correct label to ring their drink on the register, but once I inform them that I'm new they always change their demeanor and treat me a little better, but for some, nothing ever changes.

There are moments I have felt an inch tall, just by how people will either ignore my greeting and go right ahead to making their order and no matter what attempt I make to either smile or be nice to them, goes right above their heads. I hate those moments. Sometimes I feel like I want to ask them why they can't reciprocate the same gesture I've offered. But just today I was reminded how easy it is to become the bitchy customer. I went into Starbucks and the barista was taking a little longer than I had hoped...and I was running late, so what did I do? I became a tad bit agitated and completely forgot that I have been on the other side receiving the bitchiness. Help me Jesus!!!!!!!

The reality is that we are often nicer, kinder and friendlier to people who will benefit us in one way or another. It might not be financially, but some shape or form that the other person contributes to help speed up or advance whatever goals we have in life. We treat rich people very differently than we do the poor. And I have shamelessly done this more times than I'd like to admit.

In my store there are a lot of corporate people who come in and I can always tell those who work for Nordstrom's corporate office and those that maybe work a security job. There's something in me that always changes with each of these people...which I loathe, because if truly every human being is created in the image of God, then there shouldn't be a difference in how I treat a person with an Armani suit or a simple shirt and pants or even someone who is homeless or down and out.

So this is my struggle. To treat every human being alike...and I mean EVERY HUMAN BEING. To remember that every human being wants to know that they count, they are important, that they matter. I'd like to say that I'll be able to treat every person the same, but I know I won't because it's almost second nature to me to have these prejudices, but I want to try to see every person through the same lens...so God help me.

Here's a challenge for those who know me. Next time you are at a Starbucks or any other store, where you hold more power as a customer, take a minute and imagine that it was me who was serving you and hopefully you'll be able to treat the person serving you a little better than if you only saw them as a your server or complete stranger. I think this is where Jesus' command comes in handy...'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'.

In a Nutshell Pt 2

A Long Time Coming

Over the weekend, I went to Michigan to visit my dad who's in the country on business. I had a little detour on the trip when, on Saturday, I missed my flight connection in Chicago and couldn't get a flight out till the following morning. I was going to sleep at my old apartment, but that didn't work out, so I called my friend Victor and asked if I could crash on their couch. This was very significant for me because Victor and Jireh, who are like my brothers, lost their mother unexpectedly a week ago. It was painful for me because I couldn't be there to grieve with them. Luckily they had just returned from Nigeria the same day and I was able to see them briefly. Being in Chicago for those few hours was so bizarre. As I was walking from the train station to their house, it felt so empty and hollow. It felt as though I hadn't really lived there...I can't even describe the disconnect that was in my heart walking on streets I was once so familiar with. It occurred to me that even though it hasn't been easy adjusting to Seattle, it is my home now because that's where I'm meant to be. That was such a profound moment for me because it completed, in some sense, the process of finally arriving in Seattle...I don't know if that makes sense....

Meeting with my dad was pretty interesting. We did a marathon of trying to cram the last two years into 1 day...and I think we did a pretty good job at it. My parents work with orphans in their community so filled me on their progress, which really made my heart beat faster with excitement and wondering how I'll be able to have my input/support in the near future. Then it came my turn and I always feel very defensive when I talk to my dad because I've always wanted him to accept the dreams I have for my life. The conversation went as it always does...you know, give my view point and then he'll ask me a gazillion questions on how practical my dreams are. I figured at this point, there's no hope in ever trying to really make him see what I really want to do with my life. Later that evening the family we were staying with was gathered in the dinning room and they were asking me questions about my music. They asked if I had website and I said yes and they asked if they could listen and I awkwardly agreed. So we sat there for like 10 minutes, in silence and they listened to some of my songs.

There reaction was so positive that I think my dad was a little shocked. My dad is a very blunt person so he asked them ' so is this a good thing?' I held my breathe not quite sure how all of this would flow, but one of them said, 'i can't really answer your question, but I'll tell you this, your daughter will do very well in Seattle and she has an amazing gift.' At that moment I was fighting back tears...it was such a profound moment for me. Then out of the blue the same person said I think we should pray for you so that God will continue to use you...I was floored. I couldn't believe this was happening...and that my dad got to hear from someone else that as crazy as this dream might be and maybe very unpractical...it's still a good dream to have. I went to bed that night feeling good that at least someone else could tell him that this is something worth pursuing.

The following morning I had a few hours left before my flight so we sat outside and sort of had a recap of everything we talked about...it's so my dad...there always has to be a bookend to all conversations. He said that he felt that I now had a better understanding of what they were doing and at the same time, he felt like he finally understood what I've been trying to tell them all these years. Honestly, you'd have expected I would have jumped up with jubilation that he finally understood what I've been trying to tell them. I only sat there with a smile on my face, because the reality is that I never once stopped believing in my dream just because my parents never saw what I saw...I kept at it, but it was great to finally have them on board with their full support. I realized how much I have an amazing father. He is wise, for a person who never really got much of an education. He's probably one of, if not the only man I know who's life is full of integrity and hard work, self-respect, a deep love for his family and community. I can only hope that if I do ever find a man...that he'd have similar qualities. I also learned how much I'm like my dad. I mean I've always known we are alike, but it was scary to see just how alike we are...but at the same time, it's such an honor to follow after his footsteps.

I returned to Seattle, my brain completely worn out from all the conversations, but also full of anticipation for what lies ahead. Seattle IS my home now because without a shadow of doubt, and even though I don't have as strong of a community as I had in Chicago, this is where I'm supposed to be...and that in itself is enough.

Highlights

• I performed at my first open mic last week on Thursday and I absolutely loved it. I feel like now I can get out there and let my voice be heard...to whatever end
• Flying in and out of Seattle. The views down below are so breathtaking...and even describing them as such seems like I'm robbing them of their true beauty
• When Stacy picked me up from the airport, there was still a little light out and we wound up on this curve and right there in front of us was Mt. Rainier. I'm still not used to seeing it's foreboding beauty and it always seems to appear out of nowhere...so I made this huge gasp and Stacy was like 'what's wrong' and I literally kept quiet for a few seconds...like I couldn't find my voice and I said 'the mountain'. Stacy thought it was hilarious.
• Last week at Starbucks I had an interesting encounter with a customer who walked up the counter and started to singing to me how much they love me then he asked if he could kiss my hand...it was so awkward and one of my co-workers saved the day by telling the guy to give me a tip instead. I wondered if that had been a really hot guy if I wouldn't have swooned and gladly accepted the kiss. It made me see my own prejudice towards people who might not be 'all there' and realizing that they still deserve to be treated with dignity...which can be a hard thing to do.

In a Nutshell Pt 1

There's so much I want to write, but I'm afraid that it will be really long, so I'll attempt at highlighting the really crucial/important things that have happened in the last week.

To Be Or Not To Be???

So I finally went to see the talent agent last week...and it was short of interesting. Our meeting consisted of her telling me how much I'd make if I decided to sign up with them, how, because she thinks I have an exotic look would me help get jobs a lot faster to reading samples of commercials they've done in the past...and my favorite one...walking the runway. I really didn't think I had it in me...but thanks to the tons of episodes I've watched of America's Next Top Model, I had a few tips under my belt and worked the runway. If only I was at least 5'7...she said I had attitude and sass for the runway...but it will not be. This whole time I'm thinking 'where's the catch...this is too good to be true' and I was right. So the deal is that in order to be prepared for any of these commercials or to be cast in a movie or TV show, I'd have to train with them and in order to do that I'd pay a mere $5,800! If only she could read my mind, which was saying ' are you fucking kidding me?' But no, I pretended like she said the lessons would be free. She then attempted to scare me less by saying ' if you decide to pay in full, we'll cut that to $2,000' and I still had the same reaction. I lied to her and said I'd be back the following day, knowing full well, there was NO WAY I was going to give away $2,000 considering I had just moved and still living on my savings. The concept though of modeling or doing commercials is something I'd still like to pursue, but hopefully in a cost free way...so this is really not the end...just the beginning.

Leadership Summit

In all the years I lived in Chicago, I never attended the Leadership Summit hosted by Willow Creek for reasons I can't remember, but this year Jeremy's parents had extra tickets and so I was able to attend at one of the satellite locations. There are two strings of thought still circulating my brain. One being what Bill Hybels talked about " A Vision Worth Dying for". I have to say at first I wasn't really feeling inspired by his message, but half-way through it occurred to me that maybe I don't know my vision very well. And I had this strong urge to start discovering and seeking after what my vision for life is and then begin to live life with that in mind. The second one was pretty powerful. John Ortberg gave a message from Esther, that has to be the best I've heard, yet. A few things stuck out to me about Esther...here was a young woman...a minority who entered a beauty pageant... maybe it was just for fun or just for the sake of entering a pageant, but God ended up using her to save a whole generation. Esther could have been sucked up into the whole power thing, since she was now a Queen, but ended up using her power for the good of her people. John also talked about shadow missions which he described as missions ' closely related to our calling and gifting that are hijacked by our egos and wounds'. Truth is shadow missions are always easier to follow because they don't require much. I kept wondering what my shadow mission is and I still haven't quite come up with a full description, but I think I have an idea of what that might be. I think there's so much to learn from Esther and I intend to study and contemplate on how she lived her life and garner lessons.

Random Happenings...

There's really nothing profound to write about today. My life is finally finding it's rhythm in Seattle. It doesn't suck as it didn't a week ago. I have hope that things will be alright...in the long run.

I started working at Starbucks on Monday. I was so nervous. I knew there was going to be a lot to learn, but when they gave me the massive 'learning to be a barista guide', I wasn't quite sure if I had picked the right part-time job. I've always wanted to work at Starbucks...at least the last 4 years...I love the atmosphere it gives people to socialize, work or like me, sit and journal or people watch. I think what's going to work for me at this job is the fact that I'm great at being a people pleaser...so I think customer service will come naturally. I look forward to meeting people from such different walks of life and being a part of their life experience...however small or large my part in their lives might be. The hardest part will be learning to make all those drinks...let alone memorize what a tall triple shot mocha and learn how to abbreviate it...can some one say cramming???? Since they sell Kenyan coffee, I've been bragging at any chance I can get that I'm Kenyan...the only irony is that Kenyan's don't really drink coffee....

My dad is in the States on business and I get to see him this coming weekend. I love my parents...I don't think I could have asked for better, caring, wise and unconditionally loving parents...but there are always dysfunctions to deal with...This will be the first time I'll spend time with my dad alone...at least since I'm all grown up now...and for the life of me can't figure what the dynamics will be. About 1yr ago, I went through a difficult transition with my parents... it all turned out for the best, but I'm not quite sure how that will translate face to face. I'm sort of the person that analyzes everything very meticulously...so I'm just trying to figure out what this is going to look like. Another fascinating thing is that this will be the first time my dad hears me perform (my parents work with orphans in the community they live in and he's here trying to raise support and talk about the work they are doing. He's asked me to sing at one of the functions he's attending). I have this hope that my dad will finally realize that singing is my true calling and nothing else gives me as much joy, fulfillment and a sense of belonging as being in front of people and letting them hear the thoughts that cross my mind.

When I return from the weekend, I get to move into my new place. I'm so EXCITED!!!! I went to 'my place' yesterday to take pictures so I can start figuring out on what color I'm painting and how I'm going to furnish the place. It's a cute cozy studio that has tons of natural light, in a building that is 80 some years old. This is going to be the second time I live alone, and I'm super excited about it. Having my own space is HUGE for me, otherwise the ugly side of me really comes out.

Here are highlights in my life

• My friend Sarah Nun has been shipping a few items I left behind and each time she sends me something, she includes a piece of herself in the form of a poem. I love how she writes and I'm looking forward to more poems.
• My new "Moondance" earrings I purchased from thenoisyplume.etsy.com. Probably the best earrings purchase I've ever made... I feel exquisite when I wear them
• A new friendly blogger who's been reading my entries and commenting...it's always good to know that people out there are looking into my life experience
• My friend Deepu, who I call my little brother...called me yesterday just to check on me. I was so pleasantly surprised that he actually took a few minutes to call ...I haven't felt that special in sometime...thanks Deepu :)
  

Just Nae...

There's an episode of "Girlfriends"...the black version of Sex and the City, where Joan goes through this whole process of accepting and celebrating her singleness. In taking this ownership she decides to go alone to a Bistro she's always wanted to go to, which ensues in such hilarity and awkwardness.

My version of owning my singleness and partly my lack of friends came a day ago while browsing through the Northwest Jazz Profile magazine when I saw that Hugh Masekela was going to be in concert in downtown Seattle. Growing up in Africa, Hugh Masekela and Miriam Makeba were the South African musicians I watched on the URTNA tv program that came on Friday nights. I figured it was time I venture out in this new environment and start getting used to and calling Seattle my new home. So I bought my ticket...even though I was pretty afraid and wondering how awkward it would be for people to see me sitting alone at a concert...but I guess I didn't really let that hold back as I did end up going.

On my way, I made a call to my dear friend Sarah Nun and was telling her of an earlier experience with a lady who works for a Talent/Modeling Agency. I'll have to take a rabbit trail for this one. I'd called last week to this agency as I came across an ad that they were looking for models/actors who were between 30-90...which sounded really odd, since models tend to be in their 20's...I figured what hell, what have I got to lose. When I called, they said the person I needed to speak with was out of the office till Tuesday and she would have her call me then...naturally I didn't think they would actually follow through. So on Tuesday I got a call from Jennifer and she said she got a message that I had called. I told her about the ad on Craigslist...that I was 30 and 5'1....her response was 'i really like your voice' and I said thank you, but a little confused. At this point, I didn't know where the conversation was going so what followed sort of floored me. She asked me what my last name was and I told her I'd spell it out for her, which I did and when I was done she asked me, 'where's that from?' and told her I'm Kenyan and her reaction left me speechless.

I wish I could remember word for word what she said, but it was something a long the lines of ' oh, you must be so breathtakingly beautiful...and I can't wait to see you' with such animation. I was totally speechless, flabbergasted...lost for words and all I could mumble in shock was 'i hope so' with a lot of uncertainty. She then asked me when I'd be available to see her and told her next week Wednesday and she happily signed off by saying' so we have a date next week on Wednesday at 3:00pm, which I said yes we do. Seriously, it had to be one of the most interesting, shocking, speechless moments of my life...and I guess there's no pressure in looking beautiful...whatever that is. So come back next week if you'd like to know what happened...now back to the concert.

So the concert was at Triple Door which I heard was like Park West in Chicago. I walked in the foyer and waited in line for a little bit. I was trying to appear as confident and normal as possible. I gave the hostess my name and she said someone would sit me shortly. When I walked into the venue, I sort of took two breathes at once because it was absolutely breathtaking...I mean this is the kind of place you definitely go on a date. It's Park West, but 10 times better...the chandeliers reminded me of the Auditorium Theater. Now, I was even more nervous because here I was single and walking into the most romantic place...alone...but I kept my cool...at least I hope that's the impression people got...then again, maybe no one was even watching me.

There were tables all around, candle lit with full table settings, people all around were mingling against the backdrop of jazz music. To my utter shock, the hostess walked me right up front where there were tables right by the stage...I mean it was so close I could see the spit and sweat on the performers. I sat down trying to look as comfortable as possible, like this is something I do all the time, but inside, I was shaking like a leaf. I was wondering if people were looking at me and asking why I was by myself, eh, but who cares. I got comfortable and told myself I was going to have fun.

The concert was one of the most spiritual experiences I've had in a while. Hugh Masekela is probably around 60...which is about my dad's age, and so it was almost like I was watching and hearing my dad. The concert was very globally minded. There's something about hearing an African speak that conjures up some deep emotions for me so from the on set I had this huge smile on my face. He started out by dedicating the concert to the people of Darfur, and tears started to well up in my eyes. But then also talked about the hardship of so many men who go to South African mines to earn money for their families...but in reality don't get paid that much. But also the talent in this man, at his age, was so moving and sincere and from the core of his soul. I couldn't understand any of the words he sang because they were mostly in Xhosa or Zulu, but I think that heightened the whole experience for me. The gentleman sitting next to me noticed how much the concert affected me...there were times I was in tears because I hadn't felt like that in such a long time...there were times I wanted to lift up my hands like I was in worship....and a few times I kept saying AMEN! in hushed tones. There were times I wanted to jump out of my seat and dance in the isles...it was such a cleansing moment for me.

This gentleman sitting next to me, Greg, and I ended up talking after the concert and come to find out, he'd just moved with his family to Seattle about 5 weeks ago. His wife and kids are now in France for the summer, but thought how weird that we'd just moved to the city and ended up in the same place.

I walked back to the Pietsch's feeling like I had purpose again. I felt like my moving here was not some willy nilly kind of thing, but orchestrated for reasons that even I don't understand... I'm here and that's what's important. I gained a new respect for myself for going out there alone and making the decision to enjoy life, even though I'm new and still trying to find my way...life really must go on. The ecstasy still lingers...but is bearable now and it gives me a drive to make this work...for whatever purpose.