Dust of the Surface

I've always had a fascination with relationships...at all levels. I can't tell you what I thought about relationships growing up because one, I was an outcast, and second, I had an insurmountable fear that I would be rejected, a fear I still carry with me. In last few days while reading for class, I've discovered a theme that keeps repeating itself and it probably wasn't until today that I started to connect some dots, in terms of my deep desire for deep relationships and my relationship to/with God.

God and I have always had this complicated relationship and so have I with other human beings. I still recall a very poignant moment in my childhood, still etched in my brain. I was in 5th grade or Standard 5 like we call it, and in boarding school. One evening after I had finished dinner, I decided to take a walk to the field, but with a very clear intention. I have absolutely no idea where I got this idea from, but I thought, wouldn't it be great to get a rose and give to God? And that's exactly what I did. I got a voluptuous, fully bloomed red rose, walked to the middle of field, laid on the ground with my face looking up. I put the rose on my chest, closed my eyes and told God that I wanted Him to come take the rose. I don't need to tell you that after however long I laid there, God never came for the rose. I think I was disappointed, but I don't think that it ever made me lose that connection with God.

What I'm learning is that when God created us in His image, He mirrored the community that already existed between the Trinity. In essence, one of the many-layered ways we are created in the image of God is this sense of community, that no man is an island. And I think this is where my dots connect....my desire for God is as much as my desire for 'pure' relationships.
But I've been disappointed by both, yet I tremble to talk about being disappointed with God because I was always taught that God never disappoints, but when life hasn't turned out like I thought, the only emotion that comes close to relating how I feel is disappointment. But I must also add, that even when I've felt disappointed, things always resolve themselves, often better than I would have hoped for.

My disappointment with my fellow human beings is quite different. As a precaution to the pain of disappointment, I've always kept people at bay because I'm afraid they won't meet my desire and need for something that goes beyond the 'hello and goodbye'. But if you dig deeper, you'll realize that it's because in the hands of my fellow man, I have suffered such pain and tainting, but should quickly add that I too have been the cause of another soul's pain and/or tainting. So I'm torn between wanting to have meaningful relationships, because they mirror the 'being created in the image of God', and being afraid that the person or people I chose to entrust my soul to, might not have that much interest or care into my wellbeing.

In the core of my soul, I know relationships matter and like I suspect, it's because they mirror this perfect union between God, Jesus and the Spirit and look at what He has accomplished, which only makes me wonder what we would accomplish if there was that kind of unity amongst ourselves. As I write this, I keep thinking of a scene in the movie Crash when Thandie's character gets into a car accident, and the only person who could save her was the same person who had violated her earlier and I thought this is what we do to each other...we bruise each other, and yet we are each other's hope to healing...a concept that is hard to wrap my brain around.

What I really desire is to have the type of relationships that make you laugh, but also make you cry. That cause you inexplicable joy, but also make you angry, that stir your heart in ways that leave you exhausted, but also hungry for more. That cause you to wake up and dare to do something beyond the mundane activities that clamor around us. THAT'S WHAT MY HEART WANTS, but I'm also afraid because I don't want to be hurt again...I don't want give myself completely and then have no reciprocity. I don't want for someone to walk all over my heart, but I also don't want to be discovered as a phony. I'm afraid that my secret will be out, that I really have got nothing. And even in the midst of this, I truly YEARN. I YEARN for something that even on my best, creative day, could never have dreamt up. But this also means that these walls MUST come down, so I can find this life I've only had rare glimpses of.

This is just brushing off the dust of the surface...

I'm Just Saying...and a new revelation

So it's official. I feel very unintelligent. I just finished reading a paper on low level and high level abstractions in language and for the life of me, I can't even tell you what the author was trying to communicate. Wait, I thought I came to study theology...how is this supposed to help? I really haven't the faintest clue. It took me back to when I was in high school and hated physics and I would stare out the window during the lessons, because in my simple mind, I didn't think it was imperative, for my existence, to know Pascal's law or relative gravity, is there such a thing as relative gravity? Maybe I'm just making it up, but either way, it's going to happen whether I know about it or not. Right? I'm still thinking in the same terms here... The jury is out at this point so you'll have to come back to find out where I end up on this.

The, technically speaking, first week of school is over and to say that it was intense would be an understatement. I really felt like I had chosen the wrong program. I could have sworn that I came to seminary so I could understand more about God...or at least in my previous revelation, be reminded of God...but that hasn't happened yet...at least not according to my imagination. It felt as though all week I was trying to catch up to the next assignment before class or reading group and there was no space to sort through all this information I was hesitantly trying to absorb. It, instead felt as though I was dusting cob webs off my brain so I could at least understand what a hermeneutic process is and it's a little frustrating, because like I said it makes me feel unintelligent.

For the most part, the classes are very discussion oriented, which can be great, but also overwhelming when there are so many ideas floating around. Two particular classes have left me aching for more and at the same time awakened the reality of fucked up I am. But even beyond this I've come to realization that Mars Hill will not give me the answers I've been searching for in the last 4-5 years. Instead it will create more questions, and I don't even know where they will lead me.

Here's something I've been trying to chew on for the last few days. In a chapter by theologian Jurgen Moltmann about God and Creation introduces, to me at least, an idea that I believe is very foreign. Paraphrasing what he says, God the Spirit has always, to the Hebrew mind, been viewed as feminine. I remember when I first read the statement, it's as though my brain couldn't quite comprehend what that really meant. I know what God the Spirit is, at least I'd like to think I know, and I know what feminine is, again, I think I know, but to put those two together seemed too beyond the confines of my finite mind. And I think here's why.

For as long as I can remember, I was always taught that God came in male form...even though it clearly says in Genesis that He created man and woman in His image. Never once was I, as a woman, taught to see my face in God's face. Therefore, it becomes a complicated issue to reconcile, after 30 some years of seeing God in male form, to this idea that God the Spirit is actually feminine. But I guess the question then becomes, what is my view of 'feminine'?

Honestly speaking, it's the weaker sex, it's the gender that's been trying to fight for equality with the male sex. According the church, the woman is only good for being a submissive wife, for child labor and maybe teach Sunday school...just maybe. Sadly speaking, in my mind, there's really nothing celebratory about seeing God the Spirit as feminine, with this kind of context, and I think that's why my brain couldn't quite put the two together.

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered...why the hell not? If I really was created in the image of God, why should I not find my image and/or similarity in God, outside of the half-hearted answers the church gives about being created in the image of God? But to push this even further, how does this affect my understanding of God? This is where I'm stuck and I intend to pursue this till I can find my face in God's face. But then what would it mean for men to also see this reality??????

And that's my new revelation...

My Beginning or End....

I'm sitting on my kitchen island/breakfast nook with my second glass of wine chatting online with my friend Derek. Today has been one of those emotionally and mentally draining days as I went through my second day of orientation. To give you a glimpse into what I'm walking into, I've decided to show you my notes from my class today " Interpersonal Foundations", which turned out to be such an emotional class for me and I'll talk about that a little later. But here's what I wrote from class today (the notes are very sporadic and more questions than statements):

Interpersonal Foundations

September 5, 2007

What is my beginning? What is my origin?

What or is who God? What is my view of God? What is my experience with God?

- Male
- Perfect and good
- I’m separated from him

When God created Adam and Eve, he wanted to be partakers with them and not just his subjects and when they ‘fell away’ He went looking for them

Can’t imagine God in our ‘createdness’

Who is Christ?

Post Augustine, there’s only space for the church because they’ve created dogma and eradicated the theology of relationship/covenant with God

We shouldn’t look at theology just through our heritage but even in the margins…in the places where we never really expect to find Christ/God

‘What I know is used to defend against you’

‘We categorize because we are afraid’

Where does sin come from?
- Self-consciousness – becoming aware of ourselves, we begin to hide and are no longer conscious of God
- Brokenness/fallness – can’t see what we were intended to be
- Losing sight of…

‘The most violent Christ is the view of Christ by Christians’

Any certainty stops faith, stops a person being in awe, stops growth, stops asking questions…

I have forgotten God.


I realize this might not be new for many, but for me, it felt like my whole world was crashing. I've spent the last 4 years hating Christianity because I felt there was a huge disparity between the Bible and what I saw being practiced in the Church. For the most part, I think I've refused to fight and just gave in to the rebellion that has dominated these last few years, but it's like sitting in this class today, I didn't have the option to shut these questions out because it seemed as though everyone was asking them...and to make matters worse, we are in a class of about 100 people...after a while, it gets very overwhelming.

There was too much information, questions going around that I had a breakdown during class. Roy, who is the professor, told this story about a little girl who comes to the realization that there is a new addition to the family and so she goes to her parents and tells them she'd like to spend sometime alone with her new brother. Her parents are a little afraid because they don't know what she's going to do, but realize they have a monitor in the baby's room and can listen in to what's going on. So they let their daughter go in and she closes the door behind her and they anxiously listen as to what's going on. They hear her tiny feet walking about, probably getting to the crib and to their surprise, she speaks to her 3 day old brother and says " I want you to tell me about God, because I forgotten about Him" at that very moment, something deep in me began to weep. I could not understand why, but I just started crying and couldn't stop, so I went to the ladies room and cried for a while, without a concrete reason as to why.

After returning to my seat, I think I realized that the reason I felt that story so deep was because I had/have forgotten God. I don't remember Him very well. He seems very much like a myth, a distant memory, a friend I once knew, but have, over the years, drifted away. God seems opaque and unreal, I believe and yet have a hard time believing. He seems impersonal even though I can recount so many times that there's been such personal touches of Him in my story and getting to this place...but like Thomas...I believe, but deep inside I'm really crying out 'help my unbelieve.'

For the last few days I've felt like I don't understand why God brought me here...if He actually brought me here...and if He did, maybe the reason was because I have forgotten Him and like He did for Adam and Eve, He's seeking me out...He's calling to me "Naomi, where are you?" But the truth is that I'm hiding. I'm hiding behind so many things and maybe it's time that I come out...just as I am and let Him find me and if asks me why I was hiding, instead of blaming the church or Christianity, I hope I'll have the guts to say that I'm hiding because I feel so worthless, or I'm hiding because I have doubts about Him or I'm hiding because I don't fully understand Him.

There's a great article that just came out in TIME magazine about Mother Teresa
regarding her faith that is so eye opening, at the same time so profound to think that this woman, who had such an amazing life, had so many doubts about her relationship with Christ that gives me hope that I don't have to necessarily have my faith figured out. What I can say right now is that this is the beginning of something I can't even tell you where it will take me, but it is also the end, so God help me, of living in mediocrity because I've come to dislike what the Church has done with the gospel message.

To say that this journey will be interesting is such an understatement. I probably will never fully understand the reasons I'm here....but like my friend Stacy wrote me last fall," I hope I don't forget that I've been called to influence people for Christ...in whatever fashion or form it takes....so God help me.

Before Sunrise...

So I'm sitting in my kitchen listening the drowning sound of my printer spewing out my syllabi and my heart has been beating fast all afternoon as it dawned on me that I'm totally unprepared for school to start. I haven't stepped in a classroom since 2000 and I'm not sure what to expect.

I looked through all my classes and saw that I already have homework due on two of them. I have to read the book of Mark, and an accompanying article by Eugene Peterson on "what's wrong with spirituality". Then for my hermeneutic class, I have 2 seemingly industrial papers I have to read and then write notes on what I read...and not just scribbling words on the pages, but Cornell Notes...huh? To add on top of this, I forgot to pay rent and today is a holiday so I can't go to the bank, which means my first rent will be late. aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apart of me is realizing that I'm about to really dive into the reason why I moved to Seattle in the first place...this whole time I've just been trying to adjust to being in a new environment that I almost forgot why I came here. The homework deal is stressing me out too cause I tend to be a procrastinator and I might find myself is sticky situations if I can't rectify my procrastinating...but then again, my best work is always done when there's very little time left on the deadline. At this point I'm talking myself into doing whatever I can and the rest...oh well....

In the midst of this chaos that seems overwhelming, there are still good moments to talk about. Last night I spent the night at Paula, Christina and Jenn's home...after a couple of bottles of wine. This has become my 'crew'. We are first year students, we met last year during the interview process and have kept in touch over the last few months. They've provided some stability to my life and definitely some happy moments.

In terms of work, I think I'm making noticeable improvements, although I'm still dreading working the espresso bar. I worked this past weekend, and I was there for only 15 minutes with another partner, but had to ask the shift supervisor to put me on register because it became too stressful trying to figure out the recipes...hopefully one of these days I'll be decent at making drinks. Even more interesting is my new admirer who comes often to my store. Richard came up to me the other day while I was on my break and told me he thought I was very attractive. The following day he sat with me again on my break and outrightly told me that every time he sees me his heart skips a beat and concluded by saying that he could see himself easily falling in love with me. Mind you, Richard is probably in his late 60's...but he's good looking for an old guy. This really caught me by surprise because he's this very serious, stoic kind of guy...the first time I took his order I was very careful to get it right because he doesn't seem like the kind of person you joke around with. The strange thing is that I don't feel creeped out by him...he just seems like a very genuine person. I wouldn't go out with him just cause I would be way too self-conscious that I'm going out with some one who's at least 40 years older than I am...but for now, it makes for a good story.

So that's my life in a nutshell...