And then there was the End...

So my first tri-semester at Mars Hill has come to an end, but the end hasn't been easy. The progression can be illustrated as starting with excitement and an idealization of what this new chapter of my life would mean for the future to a slow progression that's escalated to a place of pain, anger, uncertainty and questions that at this point seem so huge I have no idea how the answers will come about.

I mentioned this in the last blog that my first thoughts when I started Mars Hill was that it would be about being reminded about who God was, in turn I found out that I needed to be reminded of who I was. This last part has been the most surprising experience of being here. But in some sense it makes sense because my whole life I've always focused on the 'other person' to unhealthy degrees that I have slowly lost myself in the process. The discovery of this loss of my voice, person, whatever you want to call it has made me feel uncertain about the people that I have in my life at this point and as a result I've pushed most of them away with two exceptions, but I can't and/or I'm not willing to process why I've done that at this moment.

What I'm more interested in is the idea that in discovering who I am, the fact that I am created in the image of God, not only frees me to live my life fully, but at the same time, it might be a way understand God. Lately I've wondered what it means for me, an African, a woman and a singer/songwriter influences how I see God. I've been challenged by ideas presented by theologian Jurgen Moltmann about what it means to be created in the image of God, but no one ever told me that being created in the image of God could be seen through the aspects I've mentioned above.

What does it mean to be an African and to believe in God even though missionaries made it very clear that we were savages and didn't have the faintest clue about God? What does it mean for me, a woman, to have faith in a God who's always come in Male form, when I haven't felt myself represented in the God-head? What does it mean for me to be a singer/songwriter and to engage in my gifts without feeling like I need to write worship songs in order to show my devotion and commitment to God?

So this only leaves me with more questions than answers. Sometimes I want to go back to being a child and see the world with such innocence and trust, but I guess I can't. I'll be 31 in exactly 30 days as of today, something I still can't believe and if life will turn out like it has so far, I think it will not turn out like the picture I've had in my mind. I'm trying to let that go slowly, the idea that life will turn out like I've hoped or wanted, but I'm also trying not to lose all hope. I'm trying to walk that balance between not holding on too firmly to my dreams and not letting them all go...and that's a tricky thing.

Who Will Take Me?

When tectonic plates shift in the core of the earth, depending on how major the shift is, we are able to physically see that through earthquakes, tsunamis etc. It's the evidence that something beneath the surface is going on. That's how my life feels at this point, but the shifting that's taking place hasn't been major yet, or at least I'm working very hard at making sure there are no catastrophic explosions taking place.

When I first came to Mars Hill, I was coming from a very exhausted lifestyle. I worked in a job I didn't really care that much about, so any change sounded great. I'd also been warned that Mars Hill would be an intense experience, and I figured I moved to America when I was 19 and have been able to take good care of myself, how hard could it be?

I also remember writing earlier how I thought that the reason why God had brought me to this place was so that I could be reminded of Him, what I didn't know was that I would first have to be reminded of who I was. I had to be reminded first of the life, through so many seemingly harmless choices, I had chosen to live. But I also had to be reminded of what life could have been if I had dared to be 'present' and 'engaged' in the choices I made. This has been the most difficult part of my experience so far. So much so, that I have started to slowly shut down because I don't know what to do with what is taking place in the core of my being.

Surprisingly, I've been craving for my parents. Something I've never done in my life. I started being independent when I around 10 and have been like that for the past 20 years, so my parents were never a major part of my life unless there was something really huge that only they could accomplish. The irony in all of this is that part of my make up is influenced by how they raised me, how they reacted and responded to me so I would have naturally expected, like so many other students are going through, to experience anger or bitterness towards them, but I'm not. I want them so bad. I want my mom to sit next to me and just hold me. I want just to feel the presence of my dad in the room and know that nothing wrong will happen to me. It's all I want and need, but they live in a different continent. I want to express this to them, but I've never expressed my need for them, so it feels so unnatural and I'm afraid I'll feel foolish after I've told them how I feel. So for now I'm just holding it all in, something that hasn't really worked well for me, at least that's what I'm discovering right now.

I'm holding so much, somewhere around 20 years of just shit. I'm afraid that I'm a walking time bomb and any moment now I will go off and then??? I don't know how to be angry because I never learned how to, I always shoved it down to the bottom of my heart, but I think it's filling up or it's already full, hence the fear that I'm a walking time bomb. I've always, always, always, taken care of other people, it's almost second nature to me. But I don't know how to be taken care of, so when people try to do that right now, I just want to tell them to fuck off, but I'm a coward, so I give them the cold shoulder and hope that they will eventually get it that I don't want to be bothered. I don't think people know what to do with me. I've always been the pleasant girl, I smile like there's no tomorrow, I flirt endlessly, I'm a happy person. But now that I've turned to this dark person, I can feel it. People are walking around me doing some sort of dance, which I have to say is fucking annoying. Just fucking tell me what you see instead of asking the same cliched 'how are you? fuck that.

What tomorrow holds? I haven't the faintest clue. But this is where I am. Who will take me?