Since turning 31

9 months. That's how long it's been since I moved to Seattle. It's significant because it's the same time it takes for a fetus to grow in a womb and I feel as though something has been growing in me. Changes have taken place in the depths of my soul and I feel like I'm ready to deliver something new (I know, it's very new agey and vague). At the same time, my first year at Mars Hill is coming to an end, quickly. I still can't believe that I've made it this far. There's so much to speak to, and I don't know that I can quite capture what has taken place with mere words. I'm afraid that I will fail to communicate what I feel and what I know has changed in me.
I sat in my last practicum today and as I looked around the room, I couldn't help but think of where I was last December. I was literally fighting to either stay with the change knocking on my door or continue to live like I always did, and always feel as though something was missing. I looked around the room and saw the stories represented, courageous souls who've fought over the last year for their lives and the lives of those in group. I thought how privileged I was to be a part of this process to watch "salvation" take place, to think of the tragic places we were coming from and see redemption unfold right in front of us. God, that's something we rarely get to witness, but I've had that privilege.
At the beginning of the year, I made this promise to myself to take ownership of my life. A battle I've engaged in the last 4 months. I've felt empowered to find my voice, to allow myself to feel and say what I was feeling and not try to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. But it has also been exhausting to constantly remain aware of places I was falling back to my 'old way of life'. I've come to understand the many areas where I have the option of taking ownership of my existence, and that in itself has been a challenge.
Taking ownership of my life and existence has meant sitting across from my friend Stacy and telling her that I wanted her in my life, no, I actually need her in my life, a challenge for a person who has never needed to need people. Taking ownership has been noting patterns in the type of men I attract and realizing that I'm tired of the pattern and I want to change and even though I don't know what the change will look like, I've made the decision to stop and not blindly follow a man just because he expressed interest in or saw my good qualities. Taking ownership has been admitting times of loneliness and being able to sit in those times and not settle for anything less. It's humbling to admit that you are lonely, again especially if you've tried your whole life to make people think your life is together. Taking ownership has been admitting how much I crave for care from my parents, something I've never allowed myself to feel. For the first time in my life, I have this gaping hole in my soul to be in the presence of my parents.
In a nutshell, taking ownership has been 'showing up' in places I always thought were too difficult to show up, admitting things I did not want to admit, holding on to hope when the easier alternative has been to settle for something lesser than, it's a constant reminder to myself that I am worth what is good and generative and re-generative. That here and now, the Kingdom of God of taking hold of my life, if only ever slowly. And I'm trying to follow the second Adam.